Thursday, October 30, 2008

...Three Days Later (Four Years Ago)

I have been stuck in bed at the hospital, not even allowed to move onto my side for fear of how it may jostle Cyrus' placenta and I have been miserable. The medication has kept me just short of lucid and sometimes I would participate in conversation and sometimes I would blurt out bits of what I was dreaming. My husband and I had finally picked out names for both boys, Collin (meaning lion cub) Leander (meaning bravery) to give the little guy strength. Cyrus (meaning sun) Theodore (gift of God). So there, one thing down, and the NICU could replace Collin's label from Swain, Boy A to Collin Leander.

My daughter and nieces had come by with a pumpkin they made for me and the babies in their Halloween costumes. I was sad that I was missing Halloween with them. However I was determined to make this last... but my body had other plans for me yet again. The doctor came in after dinner and told me that my fever was not going down, and as a result of birthing Collin but not his sac, I had developed an infection. This no longer made me Cyrus' safest place to be. So at least this time I was able to prepare for the cesarian, my family was there, even my brother left his 10 year class reunion to make it.

Shivering from the fever and terrified (for those who didnt know, I had planned on having a home bathtub birth, so having a c-section was on my list of NOT to-do's) I was wheeled into the OR. Ewwww, epidurals are frightening! But got that overwith, wearing my bright green fuzzy socks, I was prepped and ready to go. I kept crying, for this had really been the moment when I realized my beloved pregnancy was over and my kids did not have the beginning I had dreamed of. They asked me if I wanted drugs to help me relax, but I told them to wait until Cyrus was out, then load up on the drugs!

It was so much easier than what I had been through a few days ago. My husband watched the birth with morbid excitement, keeping me up on every step. I asked what X feeling was and he would describe what they were doing; I was interested but had no desire to see for myself. Then the sound of Cyrus' cry filled the room. He was here! This time I had my glasses, and he was in better health so they gave us a minute to look at him and gently touch his tiny fingers before taking him to the NICU. The NICU, this would be my children's home for the next four months.

Cyrus Theodore born at 9:48 PM, 1 lb. 15 oz. and 13 inches long. I was not quite half way through my pregnancy and it was already over. I missed out on a lot that I still grieve over, but the alternative would not have given me these amazing boys. Wow. I dont even have toddlers anymore, really, they are little boys now. When did that happen? I am blessed with these two miracles that overcame their 20% survival odds and still manage to impress us with their personalities and abilities. Happy Birthday to the strongest people I know!

Happy 4th Birthday, Oh Cyrus My Cyrus!!


Katie said...

Happy Birthday!

Billie said...

Happy Birthday Cyrus!

I was planning an at-home water birth as well. Reading your post reminded me of that, and I burst into tears. Sometimes those feelings still sneak up and surprise me...